" Are you going to call him Gabriella?" Carrie asked me, anxious for me to say yes.
    " No. I don't really want to."
    " Something is up with you. You haven't gone out with anyone since Darren."
    When she said the evil name, I shuddered. I hadn't told her what had happened.
    " That reminds me, what happened on your date with him? Did you kiss him?''
    I couldn't beleive she had said that! I must have looked nervous because Carrie suddenly looked nervous and quietly asked me why I was crying. I hadn't known I was crying. I suddenly felt like everyone's eyes were glued to me, waiting for me to tell her why I was crying.
    " Carrie, I wouldn't kiss Darren. He kept trying to get to me and trying to kiss me. He wouldn't' take no for an answer. by the end of the night, I had slapped him twice." I kept my voice low so no one else heard. "When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I jumped out of his truck and started running away
from him. After a while, someone put his arm around my neck. I closed my eyes tight. Then, someone else was there. He held me down while Darren had me. They just left me there."
   " Who was the other guy?"
   " Chris, Darren's best friend. Chris slapped me in the face. That's how I broke my nose."
   " Oh my God, Gabriella! Why didn't you tell me?"
   " I guess I thought you would think it was my fault."

   When I came home from school for the weekend, my mother was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. I could tell she looked worried so I ran over to her, gave her a hug, and sat down with her.        " What's wrong, Mother?" I asked her.
    " Oh. Gabriella, why didn't you tell me?"
    " Tell you what?"
    " Carrie called and told me."
    " Oh. Mother, I didn't want to make you upset."
     She gave me a hug and we sat there, and she held me while I cried to her. I didn't know what would happen to me or if anything would happen at all. I was very confused. I didn't know what was going on.
     My mother rushed around the city, trying to find the perfect lawyer to represent our devastating case.
     I couldn't face the world. I went to school and it seemed as everyone knew why I was gone for a week out of school. I heard questions like" Gabriella, are you O.K.?", or " Gabby, why were you out?" I felt everyone knew but wanted to ask, just to make sure they knew.
I told everyone" I was sick" They looked at me, as if that wasn't a good enough excuse or not what they wanted to hear, and they would just walk away from me. I looked at them for a while, asking myself why everyone suddenly cared why I was out. They weren't ever concerned
with anyone. Suddenly, they asked me lots of questions. I was over whelmed and I was so confused. Question after question after question. I couldn't take the pressure. One day, it got really really bad, so bad something happened.
     I was standing around a few of my friends. Of course, they knew what happened. Carrie had told them. I don't think anyone else ever knew. Just Carrie, Samantha, Melissa, Jamie, and me. We were the only one's that knew.
    W were all standing by my locker and talking. My friends comforting me the best they could, but at the same time, knowing that no matter what they did, they couldn't erase my pain.
    Suddenly, Darren, Chris, and two of Darren's friends, Shawn and David,  walked over to me and I looked away from everyone.
     Carrie stood in front of me and said. " Darren get lost. Don't you think you have caused enough pain for Gabriella?" She was almost in tears, defending me when she knew it wouldn't help. No one could make Darren feel bad. No one and nothing. He was insensitive. He looked at Carrie, shoved her aside, and put his bulky arm around me. God, you don't know how much he scared me when he did that.
    " Say Gabriella, what are you doing tonight? Maybe we can hook up again, we can make it work. Remember, you still have a chance with me."
     I remember looking at him, furious with him for ever bringing that up again. I just couldn't help what happened next. I slapped Darren across the face, really hard.  I don't know what happened after that, I had fainted and I was on the floor with everyone screaming my name.
I can remember just lying there, waiting to open my eyes. When I tried, they were stuck. I could here random shots of " Dear God!" and " What happened?", " Gabriella Gabriella! Gabriella!" and I remember one distinct voice, one I couldn't ever forget. It was Darren's voice that shouted " Oh no! What have I done? I didn't mean it! Dear
God, help me! I didn't mean to do it!" Then, I could hear footsteps. I guess he ran off or something but with my eyes closed, it was very hard to tell.
      I finally opened my eyes. I was surprised to see what I saw when I did. A white ceiling with little balloons covering it. I was disgusted! What happened to my room? My ceiling was black and white. Not white with balloons all over it. I looked around. It was a hospital!
      I remember my mother coming into my room with Carrie, Jamie, Melissa, and Samantha. Then my mother left.
      There were four chairs sitting around my bed. Carrie sat at the one down at the foot of my bed. Jamie sat in the chair at the side of the bed, but it was also at the foot of the bed. Melissa sat on the chair right next to me, and Samantha sat in the chair on
the other side of me, right next to my head. Samantha touched my face. her hands were warm, but I shivered. She looked at me with such sorrowful eyes. I took my arms out from under the heavy covers and placed them around her neck. She looked at me, tears sprung to her eyes. She looked
so helpless, crying, I started crying. When I looked around the room, Jamie, Melissa, and Carrie were crying, too.
      I fell asleep again. It was during a time when I was alone but I don't know how I managed to drift off. A baby was crying, a child screaming, and the television was up loud. I sort of just drifted off. I didn't wake up for three days.
      My doctors, Dr. Reston and Dr. Merland, were the one's who sat by me the whole time. They monitored me and watched over me to make sure my soul was safe and to make sure I was still breathing. I know they were there because I could hear them talking.
      I managed to stop moping around and I was cheerful again. After a couple of weeks, my mother took me home. I savored the ride in the car back to our house. I savored it because I hadn't been out of the hospital in 3 weeks.
      One more try. My mother was giving me one more try at going to school. She wanted me to make it through a whole school day without fainting or crying. I hate to admit it, but I did both.
     It started in the morning. I walked into the building, quietly walked to my locker, and tried not to notice everyone's gaudy stares. I felt like a carnival attraction. So many people asking me where I had been.
     When I walked into room #245, which was History, everyone turned to look at me. Half the class was seated and half the class was standing in little groups or sitting at their desk, rushing frantically to do their homework. They just looked up, as if I were something they
had never seen before and they smiled, ran up to me and asked me a ton of questions. I fainted.
       I gained consciousness again, around  4th period. Two students had carried me down to the nurse. Two older students named Darren and Chris. They had been walking by when they saw me faint and they offered to carry me down. They stayed with me until I woke up. I didn't
know what to say to them. Darren and Chris were evil men but I couldn't do anything but glare at them. A nurse was in the room so I didn't speak. I would have started to scream at them for even being near me but I couldn't. The nurse would get suspicious.
       Darren and Chris smiled at me, each took one of my hands and squeezed them a little bit. I geuss they were trying to send me a message, but it was a message I never got.
       I wondered if Darren truly meant what he said, the first time I fainted" I didn't mean to" I really wonder about that sometimes.

     My mother was called at work to come and get me from school. She was walking through the door when Darren walked by her. He looked at her and quickened his pace.

     I didn't know what was going to happen to me once I left that school. My mother acted like it was no big deal. I knew it was. I knew something was going to happen to me. Good or bad, I didn't know, I just knew something was going to happen. I guess what happened was a little good and bad mixed together.

     The next morning, I woke up at 7:45 and got dressed. First my white shirt, then my black jeans, then my scrunchy in my hair. I brushed my teeth and put on a little bit of makeup. I was ready for school. I picked up my bag, took it to the door, walked out the door, and heard my mother shout my name. I turned around to see my mother standing in the front door entrance, in a black suit. She was going somewhere, not to work; it was to early to for her to go to work.
    She walked towards me. " Gabriella, come on. You are to go get all your books and school things that you need to return. Now, go! Hurry!"
    I jetted into the house, up the stairs, and into my bedroom. I grabbed my Geography book and my library book called " Romeo and Juliet"

    When we entered my school, no one was around. I had no idea what my mother was doing, she never brought me to school. She was acting strange. I didn't ask what we were doing, or say anything on the way to my school. All I knew was my mother was not a happy mother.
She had no idea why I had fainted the other day. She hadn't even asked me.
     We walked into the office, up to the secretary and piled 7 books on her desk. The secretary gave my mother a box of supplies and my mother signed a paper. She walked out of the office and out into the outdoors. I followed her.

     My life ended that day, as I walked out of that building. I found out what I was going to do for the next 5 years. Home school.
     I would sit at the kitchen table for 6 hours and learn about the Civil War and about the different cultures and everyone's ways of life. I had one way of life. Never leaving the house, not being able to talk on the telephone,  not watching any television, not having
any fun anymore, never going to the mall.
     My mother was afraid for me. I didn't know why, what was done was done, and it was over. I think my mother wanted me to really know how much rape can change a person's life in just a matter of minutes. I know it changed my life pretty drastically.
     My mother had to buy my clothes for me. She was afraid that wherever I was, Darren would be there.  She would pick out a few " appropriate" outfits for me and she would bring them home. I would try them on, if they fit, I was forced to wear them. No exchanges unless it didn't fit.
   I lost track of time. It didn't matter what time of year it was, what time of day, or even what year it was.
  It didn't matter to me anymore what went on outside or at my former school. I just stopped caring. I never listened to the radio so I didn't know what kind of music was in style. Everyone still liked " The Mashed Potatoes". I had no idea what any new age things were. No music groups, no clothes, no movies, nothing like that. I guess I never felt left out, just weird all the time. It was like hanging out with my mother all the time. I didn't mind it, just sometimes she would irritate me, but never really that much.
   I never stopped worrying about what happened to me. I wondered what, if anything at all, ever happened to Chris and Darren. Within 4 weeks of being at home, I knew.
   My mother had gotten a really great attorney. We strode into the courtroom and I looked to my left, Chris and Darren were sitting there. They smiled a weak smile. I took off my new coat to show my suit. It wasn't from a new age store, it wasn't new. Darren and Chris were wearing gray suits and I, I was wearing a green polyester skirt, green blazer and a yellow blouse. I remember the way someone from the benches stared at my gaudy outfit.

   Darren walked over to me, rested his hand on my shoulder, and crouched down to my eye level. " Gabriella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen that night. I regret it so much you wouldn't beleive. I wish I would have respected your decision not to kiss me and that you wanted to wait a while. I'm sorry."
   I almost burst into tears, but also, I felt like laughing. Laughing at this poor little man in front of me, apologizing for what he knew he shouldn't have done. I know he was sorry, but that didn't change what he did to me. I felt like crying because he was apologizing for something that I tried to prevent and he wanted me to forgive him. I had lots of feelings that day, one's that I can't explain, but never one feeling of sympathy or love.
    " Now, I understand this case is about this young girl, Gabriella Cambell , being raped. Christopher Brian Wydet, what do you plead?"
    " Not guilty, Your Honor."
    I could have slapped him for saying that. he knew he was caught but he wouldn't admit it.
    " And you, Darren Adam Seina, what do you plead?"
    " Guilty, Your Honor."
    " Now, Mr. Wydet, are you positive you didn't commit the crime of rape towards Miss Cambell?"
    " Guilty, Your Honor."
     Finally, the truth out of his mouth. I felt great relief now that both of them had confessed. Now, I waited for the penalty.
     " Now, Mr. Wydet, Mr. Seina, you are fined $50,000  each and 63 hours of community service. 5 year probation. Court dismissed."

  When I got home that day, after coming from the courts, I felt distressed. Sure I got what I wanted, Chris and Darren to pay off what they did, but I still felt something was wrong. I guess I hadn't known what I was going to get when I walked into the court room and sat down at the desk. I guess I was still confused
about all that had happened. After all, it wasn't that long ago. Only 4 weeks ago
      I went back to my studies everyday with my mother and never going outside and living as no teenager should live. I didn't care anymore. When I wasn't studying, I was sleeping or reading a book.
      One day, I was studying in my room. No one else was home. My mother was at work, my sister at private school, I was all alone. I didn't hear the knock on the door the first time. I heard a banging but I figured it was outside somewhere. I heard it louder, and I knew it was at my house. I ran down the stairs and opened the door. Darren stood there, dressed in a sky blue garden outfit. He was doing community service.
       I slammed the door shut just as fast as I had opened it. I wasn't ready to even look at him again. I sat on the bottom stair and cried my eyes out. I remember hearing a faint voice calling " Gabriella, come out. Gabriella, I have to talk to you. Gabriella!"
But I never went outside to answer his calling. I wasn't going to. Not ever.

       I often wondered what the outside world was like. I remember it being a happy place. Sort of like a dream world. Everyone was everyone's friend. No one on drugs, no alcohol throughout young children, no violence. I loved the world before.
     When I finally used the phone for the first time in 2 years, I didn't have a real chance to speak. I called the one person I knew wouldn't forget me. Carrie.
     " Is Carrie there?" I asked politely.
     " Yes. Just a minute please."
     " Hello?" Carrie picked up the phone.
     " Carrie, do you remember me? Gabriella Cambell ."
     " I'm sorry, I don't know a Gabriella Cambell ." Then, she hung up the phone.
     I was so upset. I wonder how you could forget your best friend. It was amazing. I called Jamie.
     " Is Jamie there?"
     " This is Jamie. May I ask who is calling?"
     " Gabriella Cambell ."
     " I'm sorry, I don't know a Gabriella Cambell ." She hung up the phone to. Something was going on. I couldn't figure it out. I was so confused. Why couldn't my friends remember me?
     Later, I told my mother what had happened. She sat me down again, and it felt oddly familiar, to be sitting next to her, talking.
     " Gabriella, let me tell you something. The world has changed. People are shutting out people with problems. This is the 60's. No one is on anyone else's side anymore. They haven't been for 15 years."
    " What do you mean?"
    " Well, Gabriella, I had you didn't I? Well, you see, I was raped when I was 18 years old. My friends turned against me, shut me out. I was all alone. No one understood. They all thought I made it up. I didn't make anything up. Cory did it to me, too. I know how
it feels. You aren't in this alone. If you ever need some reassurance, come to me. Do you remember that talk we had when you were 9? Well, I was warning you against this, what has happened? I didn't want history to repeat itself."
    " Oh, Mother, why didn't you tell me?"
    "  I have no clue. It doesn't matter now, does it?"
    " No."
    She got up and left my room. She was leaving again, going to work.
    We said good-bye and that was it.

    I heard a knock on the door. I ran to answer it, Darren was standing there. I slammed the door in his face and walked away. I didn't cry, just walked away from him.
     Everyday, Darren would come by and try to talk to me. Everyday, I would slam the door in his face.

    Finally, I allowed myself to talk to him. I wanted to kill him but I didn't. He was nice now, age 19. Older now. Wiser, probably. He wasn't what I expected. He was nice but I couldn't keep my mind off of what had happened on that night when I was a small girl of
13 years. I remember it like it was yesterday.
    " Darren, why did you do it?"
    " I don't know. I have hated myself for it everyday since then. I know it doesn't mean much to you now, but I'm sorry."
    "Darren, why doesn't anyone remember me? I called my friends and no one remembers me. Did everyone at school just forget about me or something?"
    " No, not exactly. When everyone found out what happened, they decided they wouldn't be friends with someone that has that many problems. Some of your old friends told me that it was to much for them to handle."
    " Oh. So, everyone knows now?"
    " Yeah, you could say that."
    " I hate you, Darren. You know this don't you?"
    " I kinda figured that one out a long time ago."
    " Why do you come by my house everyday, knocking on the door, wanting to talk to me, if you know I hate you? I still haven't forgotten what you have done to me."
     " I come by everyday to see how you are, see if you are still living, breathing, and  to see how much I hurt you. I know I hurt you a lot and I don't expect you to ever forget what I have done. I am sorry, I always will be. I come by your house to see how much
I've hurt you so I can never forget what I've done."
     " Well, Darren, if you want me to tell you how much you've embarrassed, humiliated, hurt and made me ashamed of this I will tell you. Is that what you want to hear? Well, you listen to me," my voice started rising and I was almost screaming at him," I can never face the world again.
I am afraid. I am scared to death. I am ashamed that this happened to me. I am shocked that you still come by here and apologize and act all innocent and everything. You are never going to be forgiven by me. Don't wish, pray, hope, or even ask that I will forgive you for you will already know the answer. Never!" I stormed inside of my house and I sat, again, on the bottom step and I cried my eyes out. It seemed so familiar, hearing the shouts of " Gabriella! Gabriella! Come out! I'm sorry!"

       My mother got the paper saying I had the right to attend the taking of the SATs. They would be held on my birthday. Saturday, May 4, 1963.
       When I got to the school, I thought I recognized some of my old friends, but when I went up to them, they didn't recognize me. I guess I had changed since 1957.
        I know I saw Jamie, Samantha, Carrie, and Melissa sitting apart from each other. They looked a little different. Greasy hair, long and let down. They looked like they were in bad shape. Just like half of the other's taking the SATs.
        After I finished the tests, I sat there for a minute, thinking about how I was going to approach Jamie, Melissa, Samantha, and Carrie. I handed in my tests, walked out of the room and into the sunny outdoors to wait for all of them to finish their tests.
        I was sitting on the bench near the room and I saw Samantha finish her tests, hand them in to the front, and walk out the door. She walked out of the room, then turned around slowly, as if she had forgotten something. She came back out a few minutes later with Carrie, Melissa, and Jamie trailing behind her. They were looking kind of nervous. I could tell the moment I saw them together, that they weren't friends anymore; they didn't hold that " best friends" expression on their face. They all walked over to me and Jamie and Samantha sat on either side of me. Carrie preferred to stand. When I looked at Samantha, she just put her arms around me. Carrie and Jamie gave an annoyed, pathetic sigh, sort of like she thought we were being ridiculous. I was just happy they recognized me.

      W all went to The Grill, a burger joint. I ordered a burger and a coke. So did everyone else. We started talking and trying to get to know each other again. I realized that it was impossible for it to be like it was before. When we were talking, Jamie went outside
to go get someone and when she came back inside, Darren was with her. I could have shot her right there. I was so mad!
      " Why, hello Gabriella. How are you today?"
      " So Jamie, Carrie, how come you guys wouldn't talk to me on the phone?"
      " Gabriella, do you know how much we were shocked, traumatized, embarrassed to be your best friend when everyone found out? We all went to therapy for this. Trying to forget you ever existed and then you just call up and wanna talk. For a while, I actually did forget you existed. Why did you
have to come here and try starting over? Huh? It's impossible to start over." Carrie was getting very angry with m.

      " Oh, you were the ones who feel so dirty?  I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I thought it was me that was used and forced and just..... You don't think I'm humiliated, embarrassed, scared, disgusting? Well, if you think I'm not, think again. I have been locked up for 5 years. My only experience on the phone was to call you guys. I haven't gone anywhere what so ever in 5 years. I don't know what music you guys listen to, what TVs shows you guys watch, what everyone is doing in this world. All I know is that the 4 people that were supposed to be my friends ditched me because they were embarrassed to be friends with someone who was raped."
      " Gabriella, you have a right to be mad at me. Don't be mad at them. They are just scared." Darren said, putting his arm around me. I shuddered, scooted out of the booth, and walked out of the store. I ran all the way down to the mall to do some shopping. I was confused, mad,  and I wanted to be normal.

    I had on a ornge shirt, and a blue skirt on. When I walked past a few teenagers, about my age, they gave me dirty, pathetic looks. I marched into a store and looked around. I remembered what those teenagers wore. I bought 3 pairs of bellbottoms, a pair of hip huggers, a flowered shirt, a bandanna, and lots of necklaces. I bought 2 pairs of platforms. One white, one black. I paid with a credit card of my mothers and asked the clerk if I could put on some of the things in the dressing room and wear them home. She said I could.
     I came out looking completely different. I had on a pair of white hip huggers, a purple flowered shirt, 8 necklaces, a pair of black platforms, and a blue bandanna wrapped around my head. The clerk told me I looked " Groovy" and I walked out of the store, leaving
my old clothes in the dressing room.
       In the mail, I found my SAT scores.

     Miss Gabriella Leone,

    These are your SAT scores. You did well. You have a great chance at almost any college. Good luck!

                                                                      Robert Glamor

                                                                              Robert Glamor

 On the following page are your test scores.
 

    I applied to UCLA, NYU, A&M, and Harvard. All replied back saying I was accepted. I had to chose between them. I chose UCLA. I wanted to be a star on BROADWAY.
   Darren came by my house. Knocked on the door, when I answered it, threw his arms around me. I guess he was happy. I told him to wait outside for a moment and I would be out there. I changed into some bellbottoms, a shirt, and some necklaces and a pair of platforms. I walked out
and he smiled at me. I felt different. It was no longer anger I felt towards him. It was sort of an awkward pity.
    Darren told me he was accepted to his number one choice, UCLA, I almost fainted. I was scared now. I couldn't stay at a college with him for a long time.
   Darren told me he loved me. I told him I could never love him.  I told him
that what he did to me was cruel, unforgivable. He looked deep into my eyes and just stared at them for a while.
    When Darren left, I could tell he was truly sorry and that I would have to forgive him because, the truth was, I was falling in love with him against my own will.
      At 7:47 that night, Darren came by my house again. He was dressed in a pair of white bellbottoms, a white satin shirt, a necktie, and white platforms. I answered the door, and Darren was on his knees. He held a diamond ring for me. I hugged him and all the tension from the past 6 years was gone. I, now 19 years old, and him 22 years old, release all hard feelings we had for each other in just that one hug. I really know falling in love with him again was against my will but I ended up getting married to Darren when I was 20 years old. He was 23 years old. I am still quizzing myself to decide if I did the right thing. I am scared that he will do it to someone else, but I trust him now. Don't ever ask me how I fell in love with someone who raped me, because I don't know.

© by Emily Vorpe. 1999. All rights reserved.